08.09.2020 [Update: as you can see this was written a week ago.] Procrastination. Hmm, it is within me. If it were not for procrastination, the first article probably would have appeared a few months or even year(s) ago :D. What I would like to do today is to use this “medium” as a pure outlet where I can share a past experience that have captivated me for a long time (and maybe you also have something from your past that you keep hanging onto?), and I want to document this journey down as I start moving forward.
School was very hard ever since elementary till high school. Making friends ain’t easy. I thought it was because I acted like a boy — I liked to play basketball (back then, most of the people consider boy’s sport), I shouted a lot (the culture could accept boys being loud and naughty, but girls need to kinda be quite). And, last but not least, I thought it was because my grades weren’t good enough so my peers didn’t want to be friends with me, and somehow, I deeply believed in it.
Fast forward the timeline a bit to today (don’t really wanna bore you with the nitty gritty), I am now a person with a deep sense of insecurity (school experience was one big factor of it) that sometimes I don’t even know it is rooted in me so much. I have this unrealistic constant fear where I believe I wouldn’t be able to do good in life to help out others. I am always so inspired by what others are contributing back to the community, and I wonder “can I be like them someday?”. 95% of my day, this doubt pops out of nowhere and beats me up. But, I can’t let that fear eat me up lively. I can’t let the insecurity keep directing me what my next step is. This is what I keep praying for almost everyday.
Fear has tripped me over quite a bit but it also blessed me so much, in a sense that it helped me understand myself so much better than any experience in my life. I know that I won’t be able to live without fear anytime soon as I am a human being. Nonetheless, I will try to live with it peacefully and strike a balance with it before I am set free from it. I’ve never felt ready to start tackling this hard challenge. Even till now, I don’t think I am ready. But, it is never too late to start doing it.
Thank you for everyone who has a chance to read through this. [Be humble, be grateful, pay forward.]
